Out of the Skillet, Off the Stove: A Prep Guide to Finding a Spiritual Teacher or Group
Imagine with me:
You’ve just freshly emerged from a new realization about yourself, your soul, and the world. You may be a little scared of what comes next - and you can feel that your circumstances, which are shifting, may not be the same once your journey reaches its next stage. You may have seen certain signs, symbols, and even spirits, all urging you to continue along this previously-uncharted path. So you start looking. Eventually you find a group of like-minded people, and your conversations feel deeply refreshing. Affirming. Even if they appear less than polished, and your gut stirs a little bit when you speak to a few of the group members, you’re pretty sure you know that what they offer you is more than you could achieve by yourself. They know a lot. And you really, truly want to live the life that you deserve.
So you decide to join! You complete their first process of integration, which may be a ceremony or class. It may feel a little scary to you, but you’re assured that it’s just part of “the process” and encouraged to continue obeying the guidelines and guidance offered. You’re rejuvenated by the welcome you receive from other members of the group, so much so that some of the apparent downturns in your personal life barely grab your notice. You pour time, money and other resources into this new leg of your journey: spiritual tools, classes, maybe even new foods and clothing. You may even invest quite a bit into retreats and group vacations, all promising that powerful renewal that brought you closer to the group in the first place.
You start to notice that things are getting a little…harder, for you. The money from a side business starts to dwindle; you’re not really “feeling” the vibe you’re getting from some of your friends, who simply do not get where you’re now coming from. You’re told that this is part of your journey, and you’re meant to overcome the obstacles. You pray, meditate or try to pull cards on the matter, but find that clarity is still hard to reach.
So you invest more time, money, and other resources into this leg of your journey. This time, you do so with the determination to resolve the imbalances that have begun to crop up in your life. The dip in your health is dismissed by members of the group as a spiritual issue relating to your growth - they may call it “ascension sickness,” “issues with alignment,” or something that places the blame on something you feel you have no choice but to soldier through. Until something slips so far out of balance, it requires you to tap nearly all of your resources to fix it. You dip into your well, only to hear the sound of the bucket clanking at the bottom.
Strangely, the people who you expected to help you seem annoyed that you’re asking what you’re asking. After answering all of their probing questions and trying your best to prove that you’ve been following their rules, they still have nothing for you, except maybe the offer to pray for you. You no longer have the financial resources to invest in the next group event that, according to the group, would help you remain in alignment with the life you want to manifest.
The pictures are lovely, however hollow you feel scrolling past them.
This is only a small example of what can happen to people when they enter a spiritual group with which they’re misaligned, whether due to pure energetic misalignment or due to imbalances and offenses within the group. These are just a few of the types of groups I’ll be talking about when referring to “spiritual groups” in general:
spiritual houses and temples
churches
mosques
synagogues
Online-only spiritual groups (e.g., Facebook or subscription pages)
Yoga and energy work groups and clubs
Covens
Drumming and other ritual circles
The guide below is structured to help you no matter what spiritual group you’re looking assessing for fit or continued participation in. It is also meant to help you when assessing an individual spiritual teacher, and sometimes working with a teacher can lead to working with a group. Of course, there will be things that you don’t know and aren’t readily accessible to you until you’ve cleared a certain point, especially if you’re in an initiatory tradition; disclosure of certain types of information before that initiation may be non-negotiable. My prayer is that this guide helps you determine if you are in safe hands, and to not settle until you are.
Let’s get into it now.
A Critical Prerequisite: Self-Knowledge and Spiritual Hygiene
Before getting too involved (or further involved) with a spiritual teacher or group, I believe that it’s important for you to have the spiritual hygiene basics down. If you’re energetically clear, you’ll be in a better position to detect when something isn’t quite right. Will it protect against certain forms of spiritual work and patterns that draw in members, compel, etc.? No, not always. Put bluntly, some groups actively seek growth, and take spiritual precautions to protect that growth in a way that is harmful towards others. Some teacher-practitioners employ spiritual tools, ritual work or spellwork that expands their bottom line, but draws people into work that is neither soul-correct nor appropriate for them to be doing. My prayer is that this guide helps you navigate whatever situation you find yourself in, whether you’re standing at the gates or trying to break past them.
You can remix certain hygienic practices to match the path that you’re traveling, but it is fundamental to know the following:
How to spiritually engage your own soul or self-aspect, not just an external source
How to cleanse yourself of garden-variety spiritual “muck”
How to protect yourself spiritually
Your emotional and spiritual wounds
Your core desires for participating in a group
The last two are as critical as the rest because even if you know that you’re not in alignment with a spiritual teacher or group, it’s the wounds and dreams that can cause you to stay. Even if it’s to your detriment. Your wounds and dreams may cause you to compromise in ways that that net you poison and nightmares instead. It’s okay if you don’t have those things completely worked through by the time you enter a group - we don’t have to heal alone. But you should know what they are, so that you can recognize when a group pattern, cycle or dynamic is tapping something that hurts and why.
For brevity’s sake, I’ll be addressing some of these prerequisites in a separate essay.
Step One: Preparing to Set The Intention
You’d be surprised how easy it is to rush past this step! The glow and allure of various paths can be such that you’re inclined to rush past many things, not just gut pangs, to finally experience it. But prayer and intention-setting can invite the right spiritual supports you need; it’s the equivalent of putting training wheels on a bike until you know how to ride it safely. This step is about getting familiar with the bike and training wheels themselves before riding, training wheels or no.
As a spiritual practitioner who believes in the power of the self-aspect - and who tends to attract clients who also believe in the importance of working spiritually with aspects of themselves - I am going to strongly encourage you to engage your higher self directly. Here are the steps that I recommend taking:
Cleanse yourself spiritually before officially setting the intention. (Click here) for my flexible guide to accomplishing this.
On your day of birth - use a calculator like this one (click here) to figure out which day is yours - pray to your higher self, write a letter, do a visualization of some kind. Or all three. Use what resonates strongly with you. Set a calendar reminder for yourself to see how things transform about 30 days from first setting your intention and praying.
Keep working with your day of birth - whether it be weekly, monthly, or quarterly. Even if you’re just checking your vision board or journal to see how things have changed or to review your notes, that’s okay.
Practitioner numerologist’s tip: you can pray every 9 days on the numerological day correspondent to your Life Path Number for assistance with things relating to your Life Path. For example: say your Life Path Number is 6 and today is December 11, 2024. Today’s a Numerological 4 Day; try a prayer on December 13th and then every 9 days after that.
Step Two: Setting the Intention, Launching the Prayer
Once you’ve gotten the hang of working with yourself in the above ways, you’ll be in a better position to complete this step successfully. Answer the below questions to help keep you grounded in your search:
What path are you trying to travel, and why?
What challenges do you seek to remedy through that path?
What are the core values, principles, and ethics of this path? Where can you learn more about them? What kind of character is a practitioner who embodies this path expected to have?
What challenges do you seek to remedy through working with a spiritual teacher or group?
How far are you willing to travel to find a spiritual teacher or group on this path? Is online learning appropriate or an option for you? Why/why not?
What attributes, characteristics or properties of a teacher or group are “no-gos” for you - meaning if you clock it, you’re done?
What attributes, characteristics or properties of a spiritual teacher or group would make you feel safe and welcome? Why?
What attributes, characteristics or properties of a spiritual teacher or group would make you feel unsafe and unwelcome? Why?
Once you’ve answered the above questions, you’re ready to launch your search. On your personal day of the week, pray to your higher self (at minimum), with a prayer like the following:
I, [full name], pray to my higher self.
It is my higher self who does not let me go astray
It is my higher self who can see my road
My higher self, protect my journey
My higher self, may my path be clear
Protect me from the enemies of my sovereignty
And protect me from the enemies of my soul
Lead me to the supporters of my progress
To the people who walk in integrity
Lead me to the people whose character is like gold
To the people who are worthy of my trust
My higher self, help me make my way.
You can then just talk to your higher self about what you’re looking for and hope to accomplish. Make a note of this date! Set a reminder in your calendar for about a year (or sooner) from the date you perform this prayer for the first time, and see what the results have been of your work. You might be very, very surprised about how far you’ve actually come.
Step Three: Applying Your Filters of Discernment
Once you’ve found a spiritual teacher or group that piques your interest, visit these 21 questions:
What do you want to learn from that specific spiritual teacher or group? Why?
How long have you known or been aware of this specific spiritual teacher or group?
What attracts you to this specific spiritual teacher or group?
Is there anything that concerns you about this spiritual teacher or group? How easily is that concern addressed?
Do you feel comfortable asking questions of this spiritual teacher or group?
How well does this spiritual teacher or group appear to be embodying the wisdom, ethics, and values of the path that you wish to be on? Do you detect dissonance?
How does this spiritual teacher or group speak about this path? Importantly: does the intention feel anywhere close to capitalistic or colonial (i.e., they prioritize dominion, control, profit, or supremacy)
How does this spiritual teacher or group talk about “enemies” of the path? Who or what are the enemies of the path in their words, and why? Note: this is a question that can be laughably easy to get an answer to in some instances, and quickly. Thank God.
How does this spiritual teacher or group talk about former dedicants to the path? This one is important. How they talk about people who leave can give you a preview of how they may treat you if you do not stay.
What and who are your alternatives at this time?
What does this spiritual teacher or group ask of you in exchange for access and participation? Are you comfortable with that ask? If yes - why? If no - why?
Did you have any changes to your spiritual experience - dreams or dream disruption, synchronicities, etc. - that seem to indicate the degree of appropriateness of this spiritual teacher or group for you? What does it feel like, when not in conversation or presence with them?
What are your thoughts and feelings about this spiritual teacher or group after taking a spiritual bath?
When you check in with your higher self about this spiritual teacher or group, what happens immediately after? Or in the days following?
Does it feel safe to say no to this spiritual teacher or group?
You may be wondering why I didn’t include the following: “what are other people saying about this spiritual teacher or group?” There’s a few reasons for that. The first is that public opinion can be malleable, especially when influenced by strong or well-liked personalities. The second is my own and other practitioners’ field experience with people who came highly recommended, only to discover serious ethical violations (or to be subjected to those very violations). The third is that there are practitioners who have committed crimes within their communities but who have done sufficient spiritual work to cover it up, as well. Reputation can help when it helps, but harm when it’s been carefully manufactured. It is best taken into account when you’ve followed all of the above other steps, not including ancestral or other spirit support work.
Step Four: Playing Guest to the Divine Host
This last step - watching and seeing - is the one that folks often assume is the first. It’s not, at least not for most people! A lot can go in to making sure that you’re following the right teacher or joining the correct spiritual group for you. The blessing is that once you’ve put in that work, seeing how the Divine fills in the rest becomes more possible. Even if what you’re approaching is a spiritual group not centered around a specific divinity or set of divinities, you can observe the group’s energy in a way that allows you to feel safe. This is also still true if you’re trying to work with a spiritual teacher, even if they’re not part of a spiritual group. You can learn a lot about what someone’s connected to by being in their presence, as that energy will often find ways to express itself.
It’s easier to think about this as if you were an actual guest to someone’s house - in many instances, especially if looking to be part of an ile or other traditional spiritual lineage, you are until you’re not. So as a guest, you prepare to show up at this home: you take your shower (spiritual cleansing), you dress well (know your needs, etc.), you do your hair (consult your higher self). You send a confirmation that you’re coming (speak to members of the group or the teacher of interest) and learn their etiquette. You head over to the host’s house carefully (keep checking in with your higher self, watching for omens). Then, you knock on the door (a reading, class, etc.).
If a spiritual teacher or group is right for you, then what happens after the doors open is something that you can approach with a decent amount of trust. But if they’re not, you may well have gotten advance notice to not bother knocking at all. I pray that you do.
I will note that despite all of this, there are very few spiritual paths that are genuinely “easy” to walk: you may wrestle with cultivating your character, or be tested on that very character. There may be times where your material circumstances do not reflect the amount of wisdom you’ve acquired, the power you' possess, or the lessons you’ve successfully cleared. You may have wounds that resist healing, or that cannot be resolved by ritual or being in a spiritual state alone.
You may also have to unlearn any maladaptive strategies or disruptive patterns that surface when participating in groups or when working with authority figures, which can be especially challenging depending on your history. This specific issue is something that members of more imbalanced spiritual groups may push the hardest and loudest - usually in the process of gaslighting you about things seen or experienced while in the group or with a teacher, but not always. Please remember that personal baggage is not the only challenge prospective students or group members face. Some spiritual groups and teachers are genuinely spiritually unsafe to be around, or have (or are part of) collective energies that do subtle forms of long-term harm. But if you follow the kinds of steps outlined above - and work with the right teacher, the right group - addressing each of those things is not likely to end in tragedy.
Conclusion
My sincere prayer, in drafting this guide, is for more people to come home to themselves. To find a safe way home, too.
And I say it that way because before leading anywhere else, many of these spiritual paths are leading us back to ourselves in some way. They unburden us of the various forms of counter-soul programming, conditioning and interruption that prevent us from living in alignment with ourselves; they can teach us how to repair, to heal, and to help others. These spiritual paths offer an answer to life’s questions in a way that the material world usually does not. As more people seek to come home, I hope this guide acts like a light you can take with them as they get there.
May each of you make it there safely.
